feeling ok

Listen:
anberlin- "Down"

As a young man, I still think I can change the world.  I am fired up, here and there, about the social and political ills of the world, and am quick to rush to the side of the oppressed and open my mouth to speak about how things should be better.  But one thing they forget to tell you in the inspiring books and amazing stories of world changing people, is that when you actually are in it, when you are in the midst of a mission or a charity; almost all the luster is gone and it is just plain hard (hence the reason others have either tried and failed, or just given up completely). 
  I had to tell my Boss I got a new job and would be leaving in two weeks.  I waited the whole afternoon to tell her and the anticipation was really awful.  But as I spoke words of ending, I was greeted with even greater words of what was to come.  "Sad for us, but happy for you" and then of course, on the walk out to the parking lot, a beautiful and full double rainbow.  Any reservations, any regrets?
  I believe we are our own worst enemies.  Sure our parents, significant others, professors, and mentors can add to the dynamics and pressure of an already wild and crazy world, yet usually our worst and most intense critic is the one that stares you in the mirror.  As I smiled at the sights and sounds of the early evening, and was so thankful to have such a comforting and understanding boss, I felt like God was saying well done.  That's not to say that I did a perfect job or even that I won't be back to try again, but it was a special feeling going home that day.
  I think it was so special because, beyond the natural beauty, i came to the stark yet simple realization that this is not about me at all.  I saw a friend in the store yesterday, a humble and Wise man, and after explaining the story to him, he simply said, "I think that's what we are called to do".  Meaning the little things add up.  They matter.  So instead of focusing on what "I" can do for this place, for that situation (key word being "I"), the focus should rather be what can happen if we let go, and let Love.  What could happen if we let the presence of Hope and Truth, that which dwells in all who believe, lead the way in this dance of life?  I may not have seen the impact of "my" works and actions, but that is no matter; just being in a place and believing and Hoping in and for those people present makes everything worth it.
At the end of the day we are all lost causes, trying to walk the road home.  Can it be OK? Can we change the world? 

Can we go together?

small glimpses and a heart of service

For those of you who don't know, I just completed an 8.5 week summer position with Plustime new Hampshire for Americorps.  I have worked at the previously location, but working under the Americorps banner created a twist to an already interesting experience.  Needless to say, this summer has been tough.  I have worked very hard, for very little, it has been tough having many bosses (too much confusion) and add to that the financial strain of working in a professional volunteer position and my own health struggles.  But even as I write this, I feel a sense of thankfulness.  I was given the opportunity to serve and I was able to do this, no matter how bruised and battered at the finish line.
  Some days, of course, were harder than others.  Some days the kids behaved, some days they didn't, still other days it rained, and others we splashed; all day.  That is the natural progression of life, this is the good and the bad, the tough and the true, all around us, in particular, to those places where light doesn't seem to shine quite as much.  The kids I work with have tough many of them.  And to make some impact, what ever it is, is to move a mountain.  To see a smile in days of frowns and downcast eyes, means a lot.  To make a new friend.  Small glimpses.
  I know some friends who have had struggles this summer, haven't we all?  For me the work I did and the struggles I encountered were new and maybe even more difficult then any in the past.  Yet I was reminded of those who are MUCH less fortunate in other countries and I had a multitude of reasons to keep my heart soft.  I thought of the many who are still controlled by corrupt governments and those who work jobs that don't even pay a wage to sustain one person, much less a whole family.  I thought about kids who had to sneak to school and Hope to not get caught in violence or worse.  But mostly I thought of the little things that make life so spectacular, the things that make it worth it.  Sometimes, when we are tired or really taken advantage of, or even in a bout of depression or grief it is nearly impossible to see anything good or worthwhile.  Yet we must, even if it is small. 
  This world is not even, or fair.  Sometimes it doesn't even make sense.  Some work a ten hour day and make $2.  Some people spend their life chasing a goal and right before they reach it, they lose everything to sickness or a thief.  Sometimes we only have one reason, one second during the course of a day with which to crack a smile.  We must not let these moments go to waste!  For where there is one, there can be another also.  Where there is three, why not twelve.  Life is made of of tiny pieces.  Eventually they will come together for good.  Someday, one day, we could live to see a completely different side of life and people.  One day we could spend all our time searching for a reason to not be happy.  Salvation is here, and there is beauty and Hope  in all, if we are just patient enough to find it, or let it find us.   

listen:
John Mark Mcmillan- Death in his grave